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milknwookies
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Name: Allison
Birthday: 3/18/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: drumming, pyrotechnics, kayaking, playing softball, swimming, editing and filming short movies, going boogie boarding, chemistry, squirrels, and hanging with friends
Occupation: Student
Industry: Chemical Engineering
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  LiLSNaReAnGeL
Member Since:
1/23/2003
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| After all that has happened to me in the past year, I felt like my xanga was is inappropriate. I'm not the same person I was a year ago...not even close. The person I was a year ago...the one who walked across the stage in Zellerbach to receive my diploma: bright-eyed/bushy tailed, hopeful, excited to join the work force, excited to apply everything that was learned in labs and in lecture, excited to make a difference in the world, and most of all excited to finally be "out the door"...that person would be disgusted with the person I've become. I am disgusted with the person I've become.
I'm not sure how I got to where I am now, but I know I need to find a map and get out fast. I've got less than a year to put myself back together...find a direction...find motivation...and hopefully by finding those two things I will also come across happiness. And when find the first one, or maybe first 2...I'll come back to my xanga. In the mean time...i'm using blogspot. | | |
| If I write all my thoughts out, then I can't take them back later.
For the first time, I think the 24 hour rule actually worked.
I let it happen again; I have a pattern. The little Asian girl inside me took over even though I knew, and my xanga knew, that this wasn't what I really wanted. Somewhere along the way, you stopped making me feel good about myself. This wasn't the happy, fairytale romance that I have dreamed of...if anything it was far from it and possibly the strangest relationship that I have ever stayed in. I know that I was scarred and scared from my previous relationship ever since the first week we went out. I watched my every move and really made an effort not to be too dependent, neurotic, or get so involved that I forget to hang out with my friends too. I look back at my old posts about not being ready to jump in and needing to be there for me....and it just makes me thankful that I wrote those thoughts down and public to keep myself honest. I won't deny the fact that I'm sad and little hurt that it didn't work out, I can't deny the fact that I really cared about you, but I'm not surprised that it ended. And in a way I'm glad you ended it because I'm not sure that the little Asian girl inside would have allowed me to without lots of regret even though I have contemplated that idea for a long while now. It was my first relationship where I fell for the guy. It was also the first relationship that hasn't ended in yelling and lots of tears. I am morally embarrassed about how we said our goodbyes, but from my perspective it was probably the best option. I'm not leaving this relationship questioning my self worth, feeling like I need to lose 10 lbs, or wanting to leave the city just to avoid having to seeing you. And if nothing else it was probably one of the best times that we have
spent together (it's just a shame that this came a little too late).I know we still have feelings for each other, just that that wasn't enough for either of us. I know what I want and expect out of a relationship, and this wasn't it. Overall we had a great time and amazing chemistry. I enjoyed dancing with you, sleeping in with you, getting excited over food with you, having you as my study partner, and all of those movies we watched together. I hope we can be friends after all the walls are rebuilt.
I don't truely regret anything, but if I could re-do it, I would do lots of things differently. I'm sorry for not being able to jump in with both feet. I'm sorry that we weren't the perfect couple. I'm sorry for not making it easier by ending it sooner. I'm sorry for loving you and never saying anything. I'm sorry for letting you see me cry at the end. And I'm sorry that you lost a great girl.
I'm smart, strong, and sexy; only the most deadly combination. I'm gonna change the world for the better and one day find love and a man, who makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the universe. I'm gonna go places with my life with many great times and wonderful adventures along the way. And now that I have my degree, I'm going to be unstoppable.
Goodbye Eddie...I'll miss you.
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| Yesterday, I felt like a million dollars. I got offered a real job, I scored a 98% on my senior design, I'm gonna be done with school in a couple of weeks, I partied with a group of my friends...it was like I mitigated all of my problems. Minus getting chased down Oxford by a bum, it was probably the best I've felt in a long time. I even went to sleep smiling. 
I thought everything was going well. It really is a shame that bad and and painful thoughts are so powerful.
Tonight I learned my worth to you...and I'm not too sure what I'm suppose to do with that figure. Ultimately I know what I want and who I want to be, but I don't know how to get there.
I guess now that I have my stability, I want to make things better. And as much as I believe that the best thing to do is walk away....I really want to stick around to figure what's wrong with me and fix it so that I don't make the same mistake again.
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A lot of reality...not so much Disney.
This weekend I was her.
Will I be strong enough to kick her if she tries to take over?
I truly believe that bad and painful memories are 10x
stronger than the good ones so that you don't make the same mistake
twice. This weekend I was vulnerable.
I know that you didn’t know it, but I have been here before. Several times before.
Up until now I’ve been trying to run with you. I thought I was ready for the risk, but now I’m
not so sure. With all of the other
uncertainties in my life, I don’t know how or if I’ll be able to handle the
downfall. I think I’m too scared of
jumping alone to jump in at all.
I’m trying really hard to be there for you; I want to be there for you...but at the same
time I think I also need to be there for me.
I'm sorry, please forgive me.
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| Just 20 minutes ago, I was gonna sit here and blog about relationships, my life and my thoughts...but I just got this email...that I'm hoping is going to change my life for the better. If everyone wasn't here sleeping, I would be jumping up and down, dancing in circles and singing at the top of my lungs. I'm so excited. .
I'm keeping my fingers crossed on both hands now. I can't go in to depression again...I need this. | | |
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